10 Things the Abu Sayyaf Can Do for the Filipino People

:: farrah ::

        Filipinos are funny.  We are always trying to find humor in every situation.  Trying to turn life-changing situations into green jokes and funny anecdotes seems to be a past time deeply imbedded into the Filipino culture.

        Humor in the Abu Sayyaf?  Well, why not?  It seems to be the only avenue to be explored in this issue that’s plaguing the Filipino nation today.

        So, let us list down the ten things the Abu Sayyaf can do for the Filipino:

         1. Serve as diet camp for obese citizens who never stick to their nothing-after-six diets.  Perhaps grueling hikes in the Sulu Mountains can do the trick.

        2. Turn people into vegetarians.  Up there, no one needs to look at BFAD marks to avoid Mad Cow, Foot and Mouth, and Bird’s Flu.

        3. Become a mountain version of the PMA.  Besides hands-on training on state-of-the-art weapons not even the Philippine government can buy, maybe they can even scare the Chinese off the Spratlys.

        4. Help pull up the nation’s GNP because of the large dollar amounts they get into the country through the ransoms paid to them.  We can even export Abu Sayyaf action figures.  Ammunition sold separately.

        5. Improve the Philippines’ tourism industry by attracting foreign journalists.

        6. Hold those journalists for ransom, thus fulfilling number 4.

        7. Help forest conservation efforts of the government.  Would you log in Sulu?!?

        8. Promote and improve foreign relations especially with members of OPEC.  They can negotiate lower oil prices!

        9. Steal the media limelight from the US.  Shouldn’t we be on CNN too?

        10. Organize the next Survivor Series with a twist: organizers get the millions, not the participants. You don’t even need to be an American to join.

          Who knows, maybe a few months from now, all the Abu Sayyaf needs to do to recruit is ask: “Who wants to be a Millionaire?”

Note: Farrah is a senior political science student at the University of the Philippines Diliman. She's a classmate of mine and she has given her permission to post this article at my site.

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